I was one of those women who knew before I could get the test to agree with me, that I was pregnant. Alec and I had weekly dates the entire time he was inside me, that's still one of the most special times in my life. I read to them both, each having special books. I picked out special stuffed animals to be their first "best friends" I decorated nurseries and I talked and sang to them constantly. I even spent time journaling all my hopes, fears and joys of being their moms.
Being a mom, it's what I was created for. I think in so many ways, I'd waited for that moment all my life. I remember being a child with my dolls and knowing that was all I wanted to do. As a teen I used to daydream in the baby section of department stores. I'd look down into the crib displays and try to envision my baby in there. I remember wondering what it would be like to be pregnant and to have an infant. I remember imagining family gatherings for the holidays where I'd get to bring my new baby, but in my naivety, that's as far as I ever dreamed.
It never even occurred to me then that my babies would grow up, or that I'd have to teach them things. I never imagined the heartache of discovering dyslexia in my oldest, or the anxiety my youngest would suffer from. I never imagined home schooling. I never imagined decorating their rooms. I never imagined all the
times we'd spend together, not just at Disneyland, because that I did imagine ;-) but cooking and painting and gardening. I never imagined the cuts and bruises and high fevers and surgery. I never imagined the death of Z's dog. I never imagined Alec getting out of the house at two and wandering away giving me a heart attack! I guess all I'm trying to say is that actually being a mom was so much more than I imagined in good ways, scary ways, painful ways, but I wouldn't trade any of it.
Being a mom is most definitely the defining quality of my life. It's the thing that carved out who I became as a woman because so much of the last twenty years has been spent trying to be worthy of the title. I'm a better woman today for my babies. Even the ones I miscarried changed me and made me more than I was before I knew them. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently, but at the end of the day, I can stand here and say with all honesty, that there wasn't a single day of either of their lives that I phoned it in. That I didn't consciously try to do the best I could for them. That I wasn't the best mom I knew how to be in each moment of their lives.
I'm not close with either of my parents. My mother in particular, I have not spoken to in more than five years. She was not a warm or caring mom and I have so many wounds from her lack of love and nurturing. Yes I was fed and clothed, and most of my family would argue that was enough, but beyond that, I was pretty much left to my own devices and when my oldest was about nine months old, I had a meltdown. That was the day I realized I had no freaking clue what to do with this baby other than that I didn't want to raise it how I was raised. I was working full time, which was excruciating for me because all I'd ever wanted to be was a mom, and I was missing it. I fell into a depression that day that lasted probably more than a year. I started reading every child rearing book known to mankind and trying to figure out ways I could leave work and be with my baby and then finally, I entered into counseling. That was probably the best decision of my life to that point because that was the day I started to make sense out of who I was and realized I didn't have to be the product of my raising. I could be more than that.
Never forget that part. If you are a mom, you be the best dammed mother you're capable of. You get whatever skills, knowledge and wisdom you need no matter where you have to go or what you have to go through to get it and never settle for less then all you can be when it comes you parenting your child. So many of us were raised with traumatic pasts, don't let that be the legacy you give your children. Always remember you can be SO much more than you were raised to be. I believe that with every fiber of my being and in this area, you owe it to yourself and your babies to make sure you are!
Mother's day is historically a very painful day for me. I'm one of those women who takes being a mom SO seriously, it's the most important thing I'll ever do with my life and not once have I ever been celebrated for it. Which on the whole is fine, I mean that doesn't define me, but I don't even think I've ever gotten so much as a card with a cheesy greeting... although once my oldest gave me a card for something else that is one of my lifelong treasures... but the point I was trying to make is that besides the fact that this day widely goes unnoticed in my home, I also have no mother of my own to speak of and I've had a handful of miscarriages, babies who I would have given almost anything to have had the chance to mother, and now I'm finally in that stage of life where being mommy is over and I am moving on to other things. So this mother's day in particular, I'm struggling with a barrage of emotions, but at the end of the day, being a mom was and is still my biggest joy. It's the one thing in life I would not change for anything. It's still the thing I treasure and the memories I have of those two little boys growing up are priceless.
I have so many wonderful memories of my boys, from babies, to now at eighteen and twenty one. We've been through a lot of darkness together, and I've made more mistakes than I can count, but at the end of the day, I'm desperately proud of who they are at their core and I have complete faith in their ability to take on their adult lives and make something amazing out of it.
So on this day when we as mothers are supposedly honored and recognized, I want to recognize my sons. I'm so proud of each and I'm so grateful to have them both in my life. Thank you for always forgiving me when I've screwed up. Thank you for listening to me and loving me and growing into men I am so proud of. Being a mom has been the defining moment of my life, but being your moms, has been my greatest privileged. I love you both more than you well ever know.
No comments:
Post a Comment