Satisfying Sex requires Self Worth

Men and women play a funny game when it comes to sex and I'm not sure either side really understands it. We have no idea who created it, we don't even have a good reason for playing it. Yet, we seem to engage in it all the same and the outcome is a lot of women who feel men are only interested in lying to, or tricking them to "get some" and men who feel like nothing they have to give us as women is appreciated or respected.

This isn't working.

It stuns me how many girls and women are still trying to find their worth through giving their bodies to men. For many women, sex isn't even enjoyable, it's simply something they agree to because they think of it as some sort of an exchange. I give you my body, you give me a moment of feeling acceptable. That is never going to work and in truth, it feeds a vicious circle. Every time you give yourself to anyone in the hopes of receiving a boost to your self worth, you are in reality feeding that self worth to an insatiable beast that will never be satisfied and in the end, leave you desolate.

If you want a man to validate you as a human being or are in search for the mythical Prince Charming who will heal all that ails you, I am begging you to stop... right now.

It's a wonderful fairy tale, the "Prince" that loves you unlike anyone has ever loved you and sees all the beauty of your soul, and as life beats and batters us and we grow more and more tired, the idea of finding this man who'll "complete" us becomes more and more desirable even as we believe in it less and less. The irony of course is that
when your motivation for entering a relationship is to gain some self worth, you've set the relationship up for failure from the start, once it fails, it leaves you with more wounds. The cycle then begins again and you are more weary and more battered and less and less likely to find any romantic or sexual relationship satisfying.

I've seen this again and again within the aspect of Twin Flames. There is no other scenario more dangerous than when we meet our twins and think magic is going to strike now. More often than not, instead of magic and the eagerly anticipated "happily ever after", our twin runs, one or both of you are in another relationship, or you simply aren't enlightened enough to be able to handle the intensity and it knocks you on your ass leaving you confused, dazed and feeling worthless.

Also true within the bounds of D/s where I see time and again women seeking this completion, who instead too often find abuse. Don't get me wrong, I am a very strong advocate for D/s. When it works, when a sub and Dom are paired properly, the safety and protection of the Dom allows the sub to reach farther, soar higher, and achieve so much more across the board of life and feeds the Dom's soul. Together a Dom and sub are truly a whole, and I believe that's exactly how it should work.

However, when you think that submission is the answer to the pain in your life, when you think finding a twin flame is what will keep you safe from more hurt or abandonment, then you are setting yourself up for more pain than you can handle.

Here's the facts... If you are broken before you come to D/s, you'll be just as broken in it. The problem there is that in the vanilla world, a woman looking for a man to complete them, to heal them, to give them some sense of worth, oftentimes attracts an abuser. In the BDSM world, things are intensified, magnified, and though there are many wonderful people who practice this lifestyle, there are many sharks in the water as well and a woman who has no concept of her own self worth is truly playing with fire in this arena.

If you come into your relationship with a twin and you are not already on a spiritual path, if you have not done some level of excavation of your own soul, some discovery of your own worth, the two of you can destroy one another rather than heal.

The bottom line is that when you hunger for approval from someone outside yourself, you will be hurt and you will hurt the other person as well. We have to look inwards to find what we need and who we are, not outward.

I see so many women in their 30s and 40s who are out of marriages that at best, simply didn't meet their needs, and at worst have decimated their esteem. They long to find satisfying sexual relationships, and when they can't find the depth of satisfaction they seek, the think this means there's something broken in them.

I find personally that at this time of my life, I can enjoy my sexuality because I've learned who I am, because I have learned, and continue to learn, what I want, and what I need. I stay in charge of my body and that gives me strength. When I share myself with a man, I'm doing it for my own needs, not in the hopes of gaining some sort of feeling of being wanted or appreciated from him.

That makes a huge difference.

Lets face it, truth is, men and women always have, and always will, view sex differently. That's great! We should, we are very different creatures. It's far more physical for them, and though yes we are capable of enjoying the physical, we don't find that level of satisfaction we crave without some type of other connection. It doesn't mean we have to be in love, married, or find the man in question to be "the one." However we do need more than a meaningless hook-up most of the time.

I believe when you meet the person who fits you, that person who you can give everything to, because they in return give you everything, that sex becomes more than the physical, that our lives become more than comfortable, that what we are capable of is more than we imagined.

I believe too often we settle for what's comfortable when we could have what's remarkable.

I believe when we risk, when we reach, when we overcome our fears, we achieve the miraculous.

Let's face it, if true love and sexual satisfaction was easy to come by, we'd all have it. The point here is to identify what exactly you want from your sexual relationships. If you're looking for fun, be honest about that. If you want more, be honest about that. There is no right or wrong, no good girl/bad girl. You are a sexual creature and your sexuality is a vital part of this life experience. Just don't use your body in some hopeless pursuit of self worth in the arms of a man who will never even understand that was supposed to be what he gave you. It isn't fair to him, and it isn't fair to you.

As a woman, you are created in beauty. You have so much worth simply in who you are. Your femininity is a sought after prize. We all have unique gifts. We all have unique views. The world is a harsh place, but what I know for certain, is that as a woman, when you find the ability to stand strong in who you truly are, not only do you get everything you need, but we have the ability to give the men in our lives the thing they desire most and its not sex, it's genuine acceptance for everything they are.

What we all seem to be missing is that a man and a woman are meant to balance one another, not compete. They are meant to give to each other of their essence not take.

If you've lived at all, then it stands to reason you've experienced some damage. Accept that, internalize it, be honest about it, don't go out into the world and expect someone else to fix it. You have the power, the wisdom and the ability to heal. You have the compassion and grace to see that men are hurting just as much as we are. Don't expect them to be perfect, don't expect them to be your savior, oh but do let them be your protector, your hero...

On the quest for a soul mate, be honest, be patient, and look inside because your answers are there and you won't ever meet that exact match for your soul, unless and until you've come to know, appreciate and even love, the real you in all your beauty, flaws and all.