Creating the Relationships You Desire

I truly believe that we create our own existence by the choices we make. This is never more true than with the relationships we enter into. It is the hardest area to conquer because it’s not just you and your choices that determine the outcome and it can be so frustrating and heartbreaking to put your all into something and have it fail anyway. However, remember that whatever effort you put forth into developing loving, trusting relationships is never for nothing. You will always come away with new strength and enlightenment at the very least.

I recently had to face my fears and failures in relationships. It was something I did because I had two pivotal relationships end and I do not want to live out the rest of my life alone, or with relationships that lay flat and then fall away.

In my soul I know what we can be with one another. I know the richness that we can share, the love, the teaching, the enlightenment… it’s always been the deepest calling of my soul to have these life altering relationships, yet they always elude me.

I believe when the thing you want constantly slips through your fingers, there is something you are missing that you have control over and can change... that's powerful! I know you’ve all heard ad nauseum by now that to have good relationships in your life you need to be “open” to them, but I would like to suggest it takes more than simply being “open”. It requires intention and a willingness to look at your own ugliness... then heal it.

My experience tells me people cannot be trusted. They will betray you, abandon you and when push comes to shove, throw you under the bus. I realized through the course of many meditations, that I wear that belief on my soul and my “openness” to relationships was only going to bring to me the type of people I believed in, these people who would betray and leave me, and lo and behold, that’s all I’ve ever gotten.

The law of the universe is a bit tricky as it deals with energy rather than mere words. I was consciously sending out I’m ready for relationship, but my belief was sending out,

It’s One Day Closer to My Wedding!

I’m getting married!

I don’t know when, or to whom, but I’m getting married and I’m evening fantasizing about my fabulous Disney wedding… and believe me, fabulous is not an understatement.

Now, you have to know me to realize what a huge announcement that is. You have to know the huge commitmentphobe me that I mutated into when my eighteen year marriage dissolved into nothingness. The three year relationship that followed, the one where I thought I could be happy in the rest of my life, coming to a rather brutal end, and of course meeting and losing my twin flame didn’t help.

I think it’s somewhat natural when a marriage ends to think, I’ll never do this again. Divorce is brutal. It brings out the absolute worst in both parties and is not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. I think I’m realizing lately though how I may have left my marriage, but I never left the relationship. I’ve been carrying the guilt and shame along with the responsibility for both the marriage and the man with me ever since.

When my marriage ended seven years ago, I was certain, and very vocal, about how I would never marry again. I had my dream life of being single, but maybe having a long term boyfriend, all mapped out. I envisioned a life where I had complete control and complete responsibility for the success or failure of anything I took on. For once I was going to prove to myself at the very least that I was not who I appeared to be as one half of that union, but that I was so much more.

I knew I would never marry again, because

Breaking up is Hard to do.

Great song, but so painful in real life.

I think the first phase after losing someone you've cherished from your life is disbelief. How do you go from being so close, to not speaking at all? If you were the one who left, you are probably struggling with wondering if you did the right thing in ending the relationship, if there was something more you could have tried, something you missed. If you were the one left, you may be struggling with insecurity, abandonment, possibly even trying to take on responsibility for the break up and wanting to fix something that can’t be fixed. All this leaves us with guilt and anger and frustration which all seem to end in depression.

The array of emotions that follow the break-up of a relationship, platonic or romantic, are so wide spread it leaves you feeling as if you are in the ocean being pummeled by one wave after another and wondering if you'll ever be able to breathe again.

I think any relationship is worth working for, but there does have to be limits. You must never, ever give more of yourself than you have to give. You must never ever sacrifice yourself in the hopes of making a relationship work. Anyone who would ask this of you, truly doesn’t know what it means to be friend. 

This is a classic red flag that you’ve found someone