I don’t know when, or to whom, but I’m getting married and I’m evening fantasizing about my fabulous Disney wedding… and believe me, fabulous is not an understatement.
Now, you have to know me to realize what a huge announcement that is. You have to know the huge commitmentphobe me that I mutated into when my eighteen year marriage dissolved into nothingness. The three year relationship that followed, the one where I thought I could be happy in the rest of my life, coming to a rather brutal end, and of course meeting and losing my twin flame didn’t help.
I think it’s somewhat natural when a marriage ends to think, I’ll never do this again. Divorce is brutal. It brings out the absolute worst in both parties and is not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. I think I’m realizing lately though how I may have left my marriage, but I never left the relationship. I’ve been carrying the guilt and shame along with the responsibility for both the marriage and the man with me ever since.
When my marriage ended seven years ago, I was certain, and very vocal, about how I would never marry again. I had my dream life of being single, but maybe having a long term boyfriend, all mapped out. I envisioned a life where I had complete control and complete responsibility for the success or failure of anything I took on. For once I was going to prove to myself at the very least that I was not who I appeared to be as one half of that union, but that I was so much more.
I knew I would never marry again, because
that eighteen years had taken all my dreamy fantasies about love and romance and ground them into dust. I no longer believed in soul mates, or magic, or romance for that matter. In fact, by the time that marriage ended, I wasn’t even celebrating holidays or birthdays anymore. I’d given up on my dreams, on making a home, on gardening, cooking. All the things that made me happy and were such a core part of who I was were gone. I even found myself thousands of miles from the nearest Disney theme park for the first time since at eighteen, I chose to move to Disneyland.
By the end of that marriage, I’d lost everything up to, and including, my sanity to a large degree. I knew I’d never go back to that kind of commitment again. Once I was free, it would be my life and I would never trust anyone that much again.
It’s been seven years since that marriage, and two disastrous relationships that followed, have also mercilessly been put to rest, but over the course of the last two years that I’ve been home again, living here at Disney has slowly healed me. I used to practically break out in hives at the sight of a wedding on Disney property. I’d hyperventilate at trying to say the words wedding or marriage. It was truly that bad. Then in time I grew desensitized to the constant sight of white gowns and giggling bridesmaids. I even came to appreciate the beauty of a wedding production. On occasion, I even longed for one, but quickly set myself straight.
Then my relationship with Tony came to an end and I was alone once more. It’s no secret that my relationship with my Twin Flame changed everything about my life. I’ve said it changed the essence of who I am, but in truth, it is more accurate to say, loving Tony gave me back my truth. It reminded me of who I was always supposed to be. I think that’s part of the beauty of the Twin Flame, but the other side of that is the curse of the Twin Flame, the part where they can take just as much or more away from you.
I wrote this line of dialogue recently in a novel for a character…
“That’s when I realized, that thing he broke in me, it was the thing he gave me in the first place. It was my dignity, my self-respect, my belief that I was worth more. In one action he took all that away from me and I let him.”
That line of dialogue is so very personal for me, because that’s how I feel about Tony today. He gave me extraordinary gifts when we first met, but then systematically over the course of a year, he took every one away from me and I let him. When he and I finally ended things, I knew I would never let anyone get that close again.
Any hopes I had for happy unions, love and romance, were dead and locked away. Tony made me believe again in magic and love and romance, but he dangled all that in front of me and made me watch while he gave it to someone else. How does someone go on from that?
Somewhere during the grieving for the loss of my Twin Flame, a tiny spark reignited in me for love. I wanted it. I even believed I deserved it. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of real love and passion every time I’ve attempted it. I’ve been burned over and over. I’ve been abused, and beaten down, hurt, betrayed and abandoned by every man who’s ever claimed to love me and I knew this time, if I was going to pick myself up and try this even one more time, that I had to go about it all very differently.
I started looking at my beliefs and I saw so clearly that every time I said to myself, or anyone else, how I would never marry again, I was in truth saying I will never meet a man who won’t use, betray and abandon me, so therefore I can never marry again.
I had done enough work on myself to know I would never again allow another man to abuse me, to betray me, to hurt me callously. However, I had done nothing to the deep seated belief that that was all I’d ever get. That the only men I was worthy of, were cowards and bullies. That was the part that needed to change.
I started right away with a new mantra ~ I welcome into my life, relationships of mutual love, loyalty and respect.
I visualized closing doors to any other type of relationships. I taught myself that I had learned enough from bad relationships and pain and that the lessons I was looking for now came only from love and blessings and I told the universe that was all I was open to now.
And most of all, I was honest with myself about what I truly wanted deep in my soul… a marriage. The marriage I’ve dreamed of all my life. A union of deep love, true respect, and utter loyalty. A relationship where I am admired for my strength, adored for my passions and applauded for my efforts. A relationship with a man who allows me to learn from him as well as teach him. A union of pure joy and bliss that never ends. When I say I’m getting married, that’s the kind of marriage I mean.
I believe it’s out there, and more, I believe I will have it, so now, rather than say all the time, I’ll never marry again… Every single day I say with joy, It’s one day closer to my wedding, and I thank god for bringing the man into my life who will finally fulfill my dreams of love, romance, passion, magic and yes, even marriage.
I believe we have the power to create any life we can dream. I wasn’t being honest with myself about what I really wanted. I was letting past experiences tell me who I was and what I could have. Now I’m living my truth and I will have that relationship I’ve desired all my life and to celebrate it, no hives or hyperventilating, I will have one hell of a wedding!
I believe the first step to getting everything we dream of, is to be honest with ourselves about those dreams. I spent a lot of years telling myself lies about what I deserved and what I could have. Read the article below on Creating the Relationships You Desire for more on that, but if you feel you’re doing the same, examine your beliefs and then reset them. You truly can have anything you dream, you simply have to create the energy within yourself to draw it to you. Start today and change your world. I know you can. I have absolute faith in you.
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